Feeling Stuck in the Middle: When Growth Feels Slow and the Path Isn’t Clear
A reflective journal on navigating change, questioning old patterns, and rediscovering purpose
I don’t have a perfectly packaged message today.
But I’ve realized that silence can start to feel like hiding, and I don’t want to hide. Even when the words come out slow and unpolished, I want to share.
Lately, I’ve been feeling exhausted and defeated — but I’m choosing to focus on the small wins. I have plenty to be grateful for, even if it doesn’t always feel that way.
I’ve retreated into routine, where my goals, dreams, and interests have taken a back seat. I’m not sure if this is just a pause or a pivot in my journey.
One thing I’ve been working diligently on is repairing my finances, and I’ve made real progress over the last six months. That’s a win in my book. Still, living paycheck to paycheck wears me down.
My brother-in-law gave me his old mountain bike, and I’m excited to get the tires replaced and start riding this summer. I’m also looking forward to spending more time outside with our dog. Navigating activities with him has been a challenge — he’s only a year old and still needs a lot of patience and guidance, especially in new situations. My partner and I also have slightly different expectations when it comes to training him, which adds another layer of complexity. Regardless, I’m sure we’ll find new ways to create adventure this summer and include our dog.
I visited my family recently for my sister’s college graduation, thanks to a partner grant fund at Starbucks. That felt like a godsend. Seeing my family a couple of times over the past few months has been good — my cup feels full, and now I feel ready to focus on things at home this summer. Work hours at the store have also changed, so I’ll be able to get home earlier — another positive shift in our lives.
I’ve been questioning my decision to return to school. I can’t seem to make studying a regular part of my life, and half the time, I feel overwhelmed by my day-to-day responsibilities.
So… do I keep trying, or give up? That question has been lingering, and it’s making me feel like a failure in other areas too.
In the past, my family paid a lot of attention to my career choices, but that’s no longer the case. Most of the pressure I feel now is self-inflicted.
Last month, while visiting family, I had an intense conversation with my parents. I talked about the pressure I feel to make sure everyone is okay — to fix their problems. I realized I’d been suppressing resentment about my own struggles as an adult. I also started to see parallels in how my parents have built their lives. I blew up over some of my dad’s choices, and through that conversation, I had a deeper realization: I had internalized the belief that it was somehow my job to find solutions to their challenges.
He made it clear that I’m not responsible for solving their problems. He emphasized that they never expected that from me — and that I had taken on that narrative myself.
Although I appreciated hearing those words, I was also left with a resounding truth:
I had built my identity around a perceived role in the family. And while my parents could have done things differently, I’m now an adult — and I’m responsible for the stories I continue to tell myself.
After that trip, I sank into an uncertain place — the space between who I thought I was (or who I thought I was supposed to be) and who I really am.
I had another family trip planned a few weeks later. In a conversation before that trip, my sister pointed out that I tend to overthink things. She encouraged me to focus on my own life without worrying about what our family thinks or expects. That conversation gave me the freedom to let go of some of the pressure I’ve been carrying. It reminded me that, even if I feel like a different person now, she’s still my sister — and she’ll always be there for me. I admire her ability to live in the moment, keep her life private, and enjoy herself unapologetically.
Since then, I’ve been asking myself: What do I actually want?
Do I really want to become a doctor? If I’m honest, part of me feels like I have something to prove. I do want to help people be healthy — but the healthcare system is so broken and complex. I’m not sure being a doctor is the best way for me to make an impact.
I miss being a massage therapist and working hands-on with people. My fallback plan has been to become a nutritionist, but I’m also wondering if that would truly satisfy my desire to help others.
My bachelor’s degree will be in Integrative Health, which opens up a variety of possibilities. I’m considering paths like healthcare policy reform, opening or managing an integrative health clinic, or becoming a physical therapist.
One thing I know for sure:
There’s no sense in trying to figure everything out all at once.
For now, I’ll sit with this renewed perspective about myself and my life.
I’ll pray about my career and education path, and I’ll focus on physical activity and daily gratitude. I trust in my ability to adapt and pivot when the time feels right — so even if it’s uncomfortable, I’ll accept the unknown.
If you’re figuring things out too, you’re in good company.
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